PiperFAQ 2006

Questions. Seems lots of you have them. About this blog. About friends of this blog. About me.

Q: What’s going on with Hill-TV?
A: Heads are rolling over at Hill TV. Dramatic upheavals in management. Out with the old, in with the new. Major overhauls in the works. Check this out. Despite this, Hill TV’s mission has not changed, nor will it change. We’re hoping what does change will be positive, starting with a new site design. We welcome feedback, so let us know.
We also welcome help. Get inspired and do something.

Q: Waaaaah….I’m a nancy and change is threatening to me…waaaaah. If Hill TV is changing, how do I know I will still want to go there?
A: There will be new and better updates frequently. The Pope is sticking around. More fiction is forthcoming, plus a whole slew of exciting new things. We plan on pushing the envelope, and we’re hoping you will, too. So if you’ve been dropping by, we’re hoping you’ll continue. If you haven’t been, we hope you give it a shot.

Q: What about The Angry Piper’s Book of the Week? Will you still be doing that?
A: To my surprise, people actually read it, so yeah, I will continue doing it. I hope to be involved with Hill TV in other ways as well—stay tuned.

Q: What’s the deal with this “of the week” bullshit? You think we’re morons? You only had one selection in February and one in January. Before that, it was biweekly at best. In fact, it’s NEVER been weekly! You suck, Piper! You’re nothing but a great big phony! Eat shit and die!
A: Um…yeah. I guess I deserve that.
I suppose I could say “it’s not the quantity, it’s the quality” or some shit like that, but I won’t. Because when it comes down to it, “of the week” means one a week. That’s what I promised, so that’s what I should deliver, right?
My agent had a talk with the new management at Hill TV and they ironed it out. I have decided to look at my column as a job (albeit one I don’t get paid for), meaning I have a deadline: every Friday there should be a new post up, assuming the crack team of web designers on the Hill remember to post it. I’m not involved in that technical stuff…I just write the words. As proof of my continued commitment, the first of the new posts is up now. The next will be posted on Friday (web designers permitting).
In fact, the next 3 installments are already written. Booyah.

Q: Why are your reviews so short?
A: Because, snapperhead, I’m not writing a thesis on each book. I’m merely reviewing them. As I don’t review books I don’t like, reviewing is defined as stating what I like or admire about the book and/or author in question, and the reason why I recommend it. While I don’t have a firm word count limit, I find a page or two is plenty. Anything else is pontification.

Q: What if I want to comment on your reviews? You know, wax philosophical about books and shit? Agree or disagree? Recommend books to review? Put MY two cents in about YOUR two cents?
A: Well, lucky you. There’s a forum for exactly that. It’s called Minimum Security, and it’s a forum for Rubbersuit Studios, Stool Sample Webcomics, Dr. Murk’s World, Hill TV and a host of other stuff. The Angry Piper has his very own section on there, and boy would I love it if someone other than Malach posted to it every once in a while.

Q: What else do you have planned?
A: Well, I have been asked to take part in the Murk and Malach Show’s first annual St. Patrick’s Day podcast, so look for that around the 17th or so. This blog will continue more or less in its present form. As for other stuff, stay tuned.

Q: Is there any way to contact The Angry Piper directly?
A: Let me tell y’all a story. It’s an allegory. Gather ‘round.
Once upon a time there was a very famous Mexican luchador, El Santo. El Santo always wore a mask over his face so his true identity was never revealed to his legions of fans. He wrestled for decades, even wrestling such illustrious competition as Dracula and the Wolfman.
I am not a fan of wrestling, especially Mexican wrestling since I don’t speak Spanish. I know of El Santo because I once went to Dr. Mantodea’s house (before his unfortunate accident, of course) and he opened the door dressed as El Santo, right down to the silver boots. He will tell you it was because of a Halloween party, but it was May. Cue awkward moment.
Anyway, after a while, El Santo began to grow old. He was not as flashy or as quick as he once was. He decided to retire while he was still the greatest luchador of all time. Know what he did?
He took off his mask, and presto! Adios, El Santo. True story.
The Angry Piper is not real, he is the alter-ego of someone far less interesting. If you know who the Piper is in real life, bully for you. If not, understand this: only some of the things he writes are true. Some are exaggerations, fabrications, or outright lies. When reading this blog, a good rule of thumb is the following: If the Piper seems pissed, he probably is. Examples are found here and here. If he’s trying to be funny or exaggerate, like here and here, chances are you should take what he’s saying with a grain of salt. Bottom line: don’t take everything literally.
Like El Santo, The Angry Piper values his anonymity, and there may be a day when he wishes to quietly vanish into the vastness of the Interweb. Until that day you can contact him via two methods: post to this blog or post to Minimum Security. It costs nothing to join, you won’t get spam, you’re probably smarter than everyone else on the site (except for Dr. Murk, of course) and you don’t even have to post regularly (but it would be cool if you did). If you absolutely MUST send the Piper some email, send it to rubbersuitman@rubbersuitstudios.com and Mr. Rubbersuitman will ensure I get it, but keep in mind anything you send to me will likely be read by him first. You hear that, Mantis? Stop sending me pictures of your dangly unmentionables!

Q: Is the Angry Piper the same person as the Angry Veteran?
A: Who? Oh, him. Sorry, I almost forgot about him, seeing how he’s dropped off the face of the earth. No. The AV is much more successful than the AP and has his shit together. The Piper is not a veteran and would never willingly enter the Armed Forces, as he has a problem with authoritaah. Another key difference is that the AP updates his blog, whereas the AV hasn’t since December 1st of last year. Also, the AV doesn’t share the Piper’s annoying habit of referring to himself in the third person.

Q: Is Malach gay?
A: Is the Pope Catholic? Is Bill O’Reilly an asshole? Is Dr. Phil a fat, bald jackass who owes his every success to Oprah's fickle whim? Is Kevin Federline the person most unworthy of your attention in the entire fucking world? In other words, you betcha.