Climbing the Hill

So last night I sat down with my friend, Malach, and my therapist, Dr. Robert J. Murk, to wax philosphical about life as is our wont. They told me of their plans to start a revolution and I spoke lamely of my unnatural love for bagpipes and how I'd marry my pipes if it weren't against God's law. Dr. Murk shocked me with the cattle prod, providing me with the negative reinforcement I needed, and said "Listen up, rubberneck. We're talking about a revolution, for fuck's sake. Are you in or will you be shot with those who stand against us?"

I rubbed my arm. Sometimes I regretted signing that waiver. Besides, he wouldn't be around forever and soon I would be back at home with my pipes...

Murk raised the cattle prod threateningly.

"OK," I said. "Gimme another Beck's and I'm all ears."

The necessary beverage secured, Malach proceeded to tell me of the stirrings of unrest and discontent among the masses. "The revolution is dedicated to providing alternative production and dissemination of any and all forms of media. The entertainment industry and news agencies are full of shit. You, as an intelligent person, have known this for years."

"Of course." I said. I'm quite smart.

"Yet you still watch, listen and believe," said Dr. Murk. I noticed with some trepidation that he had not put the cattle prod away.

"Well...maybe not so much believe. Or watch, really...I'm more of a reader..." I began.

"Shut your filthy hole, you scum!" said the Doc. So far our little get-together was proceeding as usual. "Hill TV needs you!"

I blinked. "What?"

Dr. Murk moved with the speed of a striking cobra. I barely ducked in time. The cattle prod left a smoking hole in his couch. I smiled in triumph, thinking Mrs. Dr. Murk would soon take it out of his cursed Gallic hide. Ha!

They went on to tell me that Hill TV is the vehicle by which our ends will be achieved. They offer a home for amateur media. Remember Pump Up the Volume? Hill TV is the Pirate Radio of the Internet. Write something. Film something. Draw something. Record something. Podcast something.

Submit it to Hill TV.

Hill TV has the potential to be the LA Free Press (the Freep) of the Internet. The Phoenix. The Economist. The Christian Science Monitor. You stuff will be treated with respect and given a forum.

Been writing for years and haven't been published? It could be that you suck, or it could be that "there's no market for this stuff right now." Whatever the case, if you want others to read your work, submit it to Hill TV. Fiction, nonfiction, poetry, commentary, humor, op-ed...hell, if Malach can do it, you sure as hell can!
Are you an amateur filmmaker? The next Michael Moore, the next Spielberg? Post your fan films or documentaries.
Are you a misunderstood artist? Post your work and use the opportunity to explain it to the dullards who don't understand your genius. Or don't bother to explain. Sulk in tragically hip melancholy-whatever you want. But for God's sake DO SOMETHING!

Do: Check out Hill TV today. The place reeks of potential!!! (Or that could be Malach's Axe Body Spray. Mmmmm....)
Do: Think about what you want to do.
Do: Read their submission guidelines. Seriously.

Don't: Submit crap. Or if you do, at least try to make it look nice.
Don't: Just SAY you'll submit something. DO it.
Don't: Neglect this opportunity! There's a large readership out there!

See, Hill TV is backed by the webtraffic from Stool Sample, Rubbersuit Studios, Minimum Security, Dr. Murk's World, and a host of forums and blogs that link to it, not the least of which is my highly controversial and critically acclaimed blog that you're reading right now. When I add my readership of three to Hill TV, their ranks of loyal fans will thicken and become engorged, their girth swelling with throbbing, veiny pride! It's an open call for submissions, people!!!

I can hear your smarmy replies now: So what are YOU gonna do, Piper? All you do is hype your friends' site and solicit submissions, but are YOU doing anything? Are you?

Yes, douchebag. I am.

I had originally planned on asking them to do a column on love advice. I always wanted to be a love advice columnist.

"Are you crazy?" asked Dr. Murk. "No, don't bother...I know that one already. I've read your pitiful excuse for a blog. Your Automated Menu pretty much shows how successful you are in love. Here's some advice for you: put the bagpipes away and drop the book and spend some time with someone who wears skirts besides yourself."

"It's a kilt," I said, but Murk only expressed his disgust with a sound not unlike a cat makes when disgorging a hairball. Perhaps a love column isn't in my future. But you can bet your collective arses I'll be at Hill TV!