Roleplaying Session Pt. 1
The scene: A cluttered basement. A card table is center stage, covered with various books, papers, and dice. There are open cans of caffeine-free coke and several open bags of chips scattered both on and around the table. There are four people seated around the table, we will call them KEITH, ZACH, CHRIS, AND MATT. KEITH has just finished a phone call with his girlfriend and has rejoined the group.
KEITH: Fuck it, guys. Let’s just play.
ZACH: Trouble in paradise, Keith-o?
KEITH: (mumbles unintelligibly)
MATT: That reminds me. I have to leave in an hour to meet my girlfriend.
ALL (but MATT): WHAT??
MATT: I told her I’d meet her. It’s no big deal, I don’t have much to run game-wise tonight anyway.
CHRIS: For Christ’s sake…
ZACH: You’re fucking kidding…
KEITH: This is bullshit.
MATT: Anyway, when we last left our intrepid adventurers, you were deep in the bowels of the earth, beneath the mountains of mist, in the goblin-city, trying to save your informant, Pike, who has been captured by the goblins. You were following the Ranger known only as “Strider”…
CHRIS: (singing) Down, down to Goblin-town, Down, down to Goblin-town…
KEITH: (coughs) Ripoff!
ZACH: Ripoff? Of what?
KEITH: Forget it. You don’t read anything. (to MATT:) You could of at least picked an original name for the NPC…
CHRIS: (still singing) You go, my lad! Ho ho, my lad!!!!
MATT: I didn’t have time. Anyway, the Ranger looks at you and says: “I’m pretty sure there are more goblins ahead. I can tell by their disgusting spoor. They are many.”
CHRIS: Well, no shit, dude. We are in their mountains…
MATT: He says “I’m just saying, be ready for anything.”
ZACH: Beremgast is ready!!!!
MATT: Who? Oh yeah…that’s right. I forgot you were playing him. What characters are you guys playing again?
ALL: (separately) For Christ’s sake….Jesus Christ!...How could you forget…?
ZACH: I am Beremgast. I’m a wicked strong barbarian with a halberd…remember? I was almost gutted by that fen boar last time we played?
MATT: Oh yeah…
CHRIS: I’m Lumpy Longfoot…the hobbit archer. I can pick a fly off a fly’s ass at 100 yards, remember? I shot that Troll through the eye at point-blank range last time.
MATT: Oh, yeah.
KEITH: I play Hithrandir, the wizard…
CHRIS: Kinda sounds like Mithrandir, or you-know-who… (coughs) Gandalf!
KEITH: Don’t give me shit, dude. I looked it up. In elvish, “hith” means “mist”, and “–randir” is “one who walks”, so I am “Mistwalker”, literally translated.
CHRIS: OK, whatever.
KEITH: That’s what it means! You wanna look it up?
CHRIS: I said whatever!
KEITH: ANYWAY… I’m called Mistwalker because I always cast misty clouds around me and then catapult out of them in a series of acrobatic backflips which distracts the enemy, and then I kick their asses with my martial arts skills.
ZACH: How about you make a wizard that actually casts spells like fireball next time?
CHRIS: Yeah, your “mist” always fucks up my archery.
KEITH: I’m just playing in character. Besides, you still shoot everyone in the eye anyway.
ZACH and CHRIS: Whatever.
MATT: OK, where was I?
ZACH: Spoor.
MATT: Right. OK, so Strider tells you “We should be careful.”
KEITH: I don’t say anything.
CHRIS: Why would you? He wasn’t talking to you!
KEITH: I’m just saying, I don’t say anything.
ZACH: I lean over to Lumpy and whisper…”Ooo, that guy’s mysteriously silent!” and point to the wizard.
MATT: Strider starts to move ahead, looking at the ground. What do you do?
CHRIS: We follow him. I’m trying to move silently.
ZACH: We all are.
MATT: Make your rolls. (All players roll dice) Keith and Chris make it, Zach, you fail. As you’re walking, Beremgast steps on a duck. “QUAAAAAAAACK!!!!” goes the duck.
CHRIS: What the fuck is a duck doing deep in the bowels of the Earth? I look around for the initials “A.S.”
MATT: No initials. You don’t know why it’s here. (rolls some dice) It’s dead now, though. Beremgast squashed it.
KEITH: Good job, Beremgast. Now we can’t ask the duck what it was doing deep within the bowels of the Earth, cuz it’s dead. (rolls dice randomly) Ooh! An 18!! I’m keeping this roll for when I need to hit someone in combat.
ZACH: Did the duck’s death cry alert anyone?
MATT: You don’t know. But so far nothing’s happened.
CHRIS: We continue following the Ranger. I have my bow out with an arrow ready to go.
ZACH. I have my halberd. It’s not like I can put it away.
KEITH: I don’t have any visible weapons.
CHRIS: Of course not. You’re far too cool.
MATT: OK, so you follow the cavern for a while and suddenly you turn a corner and see a big goblin carrying an axe. He’s looking around like he’s on guard duty. It doesn’t look like he noticed you. Strider moves up silently and—
CHRIS: Wait a sec…I had my bow out! I shoot the goblin.
MATT: You think it might be better to let Strider kill the goblin because if you miss he’ll yell and might bring all his goblin buddies running.
CHRIS: I won’t miss. Besides, I’m tired of this guy killing everything.
MATT: Fine. Make your roll.
CHRIS: (rolls dice) A 19, plus my offensive bonus, plus my magic bow’s bonus, plus my bonus for attacking a creature larger than me, plus my bonus for already having my arrow nocked and ready….an 87!!! He’s toast!
MATT: (through a mouthful of chips) Your arrow takes the goblin in the eye. He gurgles and flails around for a second, then collapses. He’s wearing armor and it would make a lot of noise if he fell, so Strider catches him on the way to the floor. “Nice shot,” he says to you.
CHRIS: Oh, thanks, Strider. I live for your approval.
ZACH: Thank God he was there to catch that goblin corpse, huh?
MATT: You move quietly around the corpse of the guard and follow Strider. You come to a large cavern. Inside are roughly 20 goblins. There’s no way around them, it seems.
KEITH: Forced combat. I love it.
ZACH: I rush in and attack the first goblin I meet.
CHRIS: I pick a goblin and fire while I can still see, before mist-man starts his shit.
MATT: OK, Strider fires 6 arrows at once from his bow.
KEITH: I cast my Mist spell. Wait a sec- 6 fucking arrows?
MATT: He’s good. Now you know why the elf-king sent him with you.
ALL (but MATT): WHATEVER!!!
MATT: Ok, make your rolls. (all players roll dice) OK, Beremgast runs up and cuts a goblin in half before he knows what hits him. Disgusting goblin ichor sprays the walls and covers his halberd. The goblin’s entrails are flung about like wet ropes. The remaining goblins look up in horror (CHRIS makes the goblin-in-terror face), just in time to have Strider’s arrows fall into them. He hits with four and four of them go down—
KEITH: Only four? The guy’s slipping.
MATT: I meant six.
CHRIS: What about MY arrow?
MATT: Yours hits a goblin in the eye. He dies. The rest of them charge.
KEITH: Is my mist spell taking effect?
MATT: Yeah, it’s getting cloudy in here.
ZACH and CHRIS: Great.
MATT: OK, next round. The goblins are charging. One will be able to attack you this turn, Lumpy. You too, Beremgast. Strider gets another six arrows ready. What do you guys do?
CHRIS: I run towards the goblin and tumble.
ZACH: I try and kill another goblin with the backswing.
KEITH: I catapult myself through the mist in a series of acrobatic flips designed to distract the enemy. Let me know if they’re distracted. I rolled an 18, remember?
MATT: You need to roll again. That was like 10 minutes ago. In fact, all of you make your rolls.
KEITH: Fine. Whatever. (rolls dice) An 18! What are the odds?
MATT: Ok, Keith, your wizard flips like Mary-Lou Retton and comes to a stop in the middle of three goblins. They’re so impressed and confused by the mist and your physical prowness—
CHRIS: ProWESS. –WESS.
MATT: Whatever. I say prowness. The goblins are distracted. What do you do?
KEITH: OK, I need you all to stand up for this.
CHRIS: Oh, for fuck’s sake…
ZACH: (sigh) (the players all stand up and play halts while they arrange themselves in the formation of the three goblins currently facing KEITH’S character).
KEITH: OK…the first thing I do is throw a front kick at the first one like this, trying to catch him in the throat. (KEITH mimes the kick in slow motion, aiming for MATT’S throat), then , I spin in place like so, and whip my heel around to crash on the side of the goblin’s head who’s behind me (again with the miming, this time towards ZACH). Then, finally, I whip my legs around and throw TWO kicks to the face of the third goblin to my right, one with each leg, like so (KEITH demonstrates this as well, aiming two kicks towards CHRIS’S face.) Got it? (The players resume their seats. There is much shaking of heads.)
CHRIS: That’s FOUR kicks in 3 seconds. There’s no way you could do that.
KEITH: I was slowing it down to demonstrate. I COULD’VE done it faster.
ZACH: Bullshit.
KEITH: I could! I once got into a fight with a guy who could throw 7 kicks in 2 seconds! We called him Quick-Kick!
MATT: Isn’t that a GI Joe guy?
KEITH: I don’t know…but that’s what we called him. I almost lost, he was so good. (The players stare at KEITH blankly.) What? You don’t believe me?
ZACH: Okaaaay…. So anyway, I guess if Strider can fire 6 arrows a round anything’s possible. Beremgast makes his swing. (rolls dice) A NATURAL 20!!! YESS!!!!!! (Zach jumps out of his chair and cracks his head on the support beam of the house. He falls to the ground, stunned. Play halts while the players determine if ZACH needs stitches. He doesn’t.)
CHRIS: I make my roll too. I fire my bow as I’m tumbling.
MATT: (looks at his watch) OK: Here’s what happens: Lumpy charges into the goblin, tumbling. The goblin swings his rusty sword and it whistles over Lumpy’s head. The hobbit comes out of his roll and fires an arrow directly into the goblin’s eye at point blank-range. The goblin dies.
ZACH: (imitating Scarface) Beremgast says “Say hello to my little friend!” Get it? Little...‘cuz he’s a hobbit…
MATT: Meanwhile, Hithrandir catapults through the mist in a series of acrobatic flips designed to confuse the enemy, which it does. Then he drops three goblins with his lightning fast kicks. You hear the sound of goblin necks breaking like dry twigs.
CHRIS: Good one.
MATT: Beremgast swings his halberd in a wide arc and with a mighty swing cuts through the bodies of 3 goblins all at once!! The rest are victims of Strider’s arrows. I have to go. (begins packing up his stuff)
KEITH: Wait! Is Pike here?
MATT: Oh yeah. He’s tied up in the corner. He looks dead.
CHRIS: I rush over to him.
MATT: (still packing up his stuff) He’s alive-barely, but that won’t last long. You remember the code words you have to say in order to get him to talk to you?
CHRIS: Yeah. “Pike,” I say…”Do you have any coal?”
MATT: He looks at you and with his dying breath says…”You…must…go…East…auaaaaughhhhh…”
(The players look at each other without comprehension.)
CHRIS: Could we have some more coal, please?
MATT: We’ll pick up here next time. I have to run. (Exit MATT)
ZACH: Well, that sucks. Wanna play darts?
KEITH: Don’t worry guys. I anticipated Matt’s desertion, and I invited some other friends: RILEY, OWEN, and CHUCK. They should be here soon…
---TO BE CONTINUED---
KEITH: Fuck it, guys. Let’s just play.
ZACH: Trouble in paradise, Keith-o?
KEITH: (mumbles unintelligibly)
MATT: That reminds me. I have to leave in an hour to meet my girlfriend.
ALL (but MATT): WHAT??
MATT: I told her I’d meet her. It’s no big deal, I don’t have much to run game-wise tonight anyway.
CHRIS: For Christ’s sake…
ZACH: You’re fucking kidding…
KEITH: This is bullshit.
MATT: Anyway, when we last left our intrepid adventurers, you were deep in the bowels of the earth, beneath the mountains of mist, in the goblin-city, trying to save your informant, Pike, who has been captured by the goblins. You were following the Ranger known only as “Strider”…
CHRIS: (singing) Down, down to Goblin-town, Down, down to Goblin-town…
KEITH: (coughs) Ripoff!
ZACH: Ripoff? Of what?
KEITH: Forget it. You don’t read anything. (to MATT:) You could of at least picked an original name for the NPC…
CHRIS: (still singing) You go, my lad! Ho ho, my lad!!!!
MATT: I didn’t have time. Anyway, the Ranger looks at you and says: “I’m pretty sure there are more goblins ahead. I can tell by their disgusting spoor. They are many.”
CHRIS: Well, no shit, dude. We are in their mountains…
MATT: He says “I’m just saying, be ready for anything.”
ZACH: Beremgast is ready!!!!
MATT: Who? Oh yeah…that’s right. I forgot you were playing him. What characters are you guys playing again?
ALL: (separately) For Christ’s sake….Jesus Christ!...How could you forget…?
ZACH: I am Beremgast. I’m a wicked strong barbarian with a halberd…remember? I was almost gutted by that fen boar last time we played?
MATT: Oh yeah…
CHRIS: I’m Lumpy Longfoot…the hobbit archer. I can pick a fly off a fly’s ass at 100 yards, remember? I shot that Troll through the eye at point-blank range last time.
MATT: Oh, yeah.
KEITH: I play Hithrandir, the wizard…
CHRIS: Kinda sounds like Mithrandir, or you-know-who… (coughs) Gandalf!
KEITH: Don’t give me shit, dude. I looked it up. In elvish, “hith” means “mist”, and “–randir” is “one who walks”, so I am “Mistwalker”, literally translated.
CHRIS: OK, whatever.
KEITH: That’s what it means! You wanna look it up?
CHRIS: I said whatever!
KEITH: ANYWAY… I’m called Mistwalker because I always cast misty clouds around me and then catapult out of them in a series of acrobatic backflips which distracts the enemy, and then I kick their asses with my martial arts skills.
ZACH: How about you make a wizard that actually casts spells like fireball next time?
CHRIS: Yeah, your “mist” always fucks up my archery.
KEITH: I’m just playing in character. Besides, you still shoot everyone in the eye anyway.
ZACH and CHRIS: Whatever.
MATT: OK, where was I?
ZACH: Spoor.
MATT: Right. OK, so Strider tells you “We should be careful.”
KEITH: I don’t say anything.
CHRIS: Why would you? He wasn’t talking to you!
KEITH: I’m just saying, I don’t say anything.
ZACH: I lean over to Lumpy and whisper…”Ooo, that guy’s mysteriously silent!” and point to the wizard.
MATT: Strider starts to move ahead, looking at the ground. What do you do?
CHRIS: We follow him. I’m trying to move silently.
ZACH: We all are.
MATT: Make your rolls. (All players roll dice) Keith and Chris make it, Zach, you fail. As you’re walking, Beremgast steps on a duck. “QUAAAAAAAACK!!!!” goes the duck.
CHRIS: What the fuck is a duck doing deep in the bowels of the Earth? I look around for the initials “A.S.”
MATT: No initials. You don’t know why it’s here. (rolls some dice) It’s dead now, though. Beremgast squashed it.
KEITH: Good job, Beremgast. Now we can’t ask the duck what it was doing deep within the bowels of the Earth, cuz it’s dead. (rolls dice randomly) Ooh! An 18!! I’m keeping this roll for when I need to hit someone in combat.
ZACH: Did the duck’s death cry alert anyone?
MATT: You don’t know. But so far nothing’s happened.
CHRIS: We continue following the Ranger. I have my bow out with an arrow ready to go.
ZACH. I have my halberd. It’s not like I can put it away.
KEITH: I don’t have any visible weapons.
CHRIS: Of course not. You’re far too cool.
MATT: OK, so you follow the cavern for a while and suddenly you turn a corner and see a big goblin carrying an axe. He’s looking around like he’s on guard duty. It doesn’t look like he noticed you. Strider moves up silently and—
CHRIS: Wait a sec…I had my bow out! I shoot the goblin.
MATT: You think it might be better to let Strider kill the goblin because if you miss he’ll yell and might bring all his goblin buddies running.
CHRIS: I won’t miss. Besides, I’m tired of this guy killing everything.
MATT: Fine. Make your roll.
CHRIS: (rolls dice) A 19, plus my offensive bonus, plus my magic bow’s bonus, plus my bonus for attacking a creature larger than me, plus my bonus for already having my arrow nocked and ready….an 87!!! He’s toast!
MATT: (through a mouthful of chips) Your arrow takes the goblin in the eye. He gurgles and flails around for a second, then collapses. He’s wearing armor and it would make a lot of noise if he fell, so Strider catches him on the way to the floor. “Nice shot,” he says to you.
CHRIS: Oh, thanks, Strider. I live for your approval.
ZACH: Thank God he was there to catch that goblin corpse, huh?
MATT: You move quietly around the corpse of the guard and follow Strider. You come to a large cavern. Inside are roughly 20 goblins. There’s no way around them, it seems.
KEITH: Forced combat. I love it.
ZACH: I rush in and attack the first goblin I meet.
CHRIS: I pick a goblin and fire while I can still see, before mist-man starts his shit.
MATT: OK, Strider fires 6 arrows at once from his bow.
KEITH: I cast my Mist spell. Wait a sec- 6 fucking arrows?
MATT: He’s good. Now you know why the elf-king sent him with you.
ALL (but MATT): WHATEVER!!!
MATT: Ok, make your rolls. (all players roll dice) OK, Beremgast runs up and cuts a goblin in half before he knows what hits him. Disgusting goblin ichor sprays the walls and covers his halberd. The goblin’s entrails are flung about like wet ropes. The remaining goblins look up in horror (CHRIS makes the goblin-in-terror face), just in time to have Strider’s arrows fall into them. He hits with four and four of them go down—
KEITH: Only four? The guy’s slipping.
MATT: I meant six.
CHRIS: What about MY arrow?
MATT: Yours hits a goblin in the eye. He dies. The rest of them charge.
KEITH: Is my mist spell taking effect?
MATT: Yeah, it’s getting cloudy in here.
ZACH and CHRIS: Great.
MATT: OK, next round. The goblins are charging. One will be able to attack you this turn, Lumpy. You too, Beremgast. Strider gets another six arrows ready. What do you guys do?
CHRIS: I run towards the goblin and tumble.
ZACH: I try and kill another goblin with the backswing.
KEITH: I catapult myself through the mist in a series of acrobatic flips designed to distract the enemy. Let me know if they’re distracted. I rolled an 18, remember?
MATT: You need to roll again. That was like 10 minutes ago. In fact, all of you make your rolls.
KEITH: Fine. Whatever. (rolls dice) An 18! What are the odds?
MATT: Ok, Keith, your wizard flips like Mary-Lou Retton and comes to a stop in the middle of three goblins. They’re so impressed and confused by the mist and your physical prowness—
CHRIS: ProWESS. –WESS.
MATT: Whatever. I say prowness. The goblins are distracted. What do you do?
KEITH: OK, I need you all to stand up for this.
CHRIS: Oh, for fuck’s sake…
ZACH: (sigh) (the players all stand up and play halts while they arrange themselves in the formation of the three goblins currently facing KEITH’S character).
KEITH: OK…the first thing I do is throw a front kick at the first one like this, trying to catch him in the throat. (KEITH mimes the kick in slow motion, aiming for MATT’S throat), then , I spin in place like so, and whip my heel around to crash on the side of the goblin’s head who’s behind me (again with the miming, this time towards ZACH). Then, finally, I whip my legs around and throw TWO kicks to the face of the third goblin to my right, one with each leg, like so (KEITH demonstrates this as well, aiming two kicks towards CHRIS’S face.) Got it? (The players resume their seats. There is much shaking of heads.)
CHRIS: That’s FOUR kicks in 3 seconds. There’s no way you could do that.
KEITH: I was slowing it down to demonstrate. I COULD’VE done it faster.
ZACH: Bullshit.
KEITH: I could! I once got into a fight with a guy who could throw 7 kicks in 2 seconds! We called him Quick-Kick!
MATT: Isn’t that a GI Joe guy?
KEITH: I don’t know…but that’s what we called him. I almost lost, he was so good. (The players stare at KEITH blankly.) What? You don’t believe me?
ZACH: Okaaaay…. So anyway, I guess if Strider can fire 6 arrows a round anything’s possible. Beremgast makes his swing. (rolls dice) A NATURAL 20!!! YESS!!!!!! (Zach jumps out of his chair and cracks his head on the support beam of the house. He falls to the ground, stunned. Play halts while the players determine if ZACH needs stitches. He doesn’t.)
CHRIS: I make my roll too. I fire my bow as I’m tumbling.
MATT: (looks at his watch) OK: Here’s what happens: Lumpy charges into the goblin, tumbling. The goblin swings his rusty sword and it whistles over Lumpy’s head. The hobbit comes out of his roll and fires an arrow directly into the goblin’s eye at point blank-range. The goblin dies.
ZACH: (imitating Scarface) Beremgast says “Say hello to my little friend!” Get it? Little...‘cuz he’s a hobbit…
MATT: Meanwhile, Hithrandir catapults through the mist in a series of acrobatic flips designed to confuse the enemy, which it does. Then he drops three goblins with his lightning fast kicks. You hear the sound of goblin necks breaking like dry twigs.
CHRIS: Good one.
MATT: Beremgast swings his halberd in a wide arc and with a mighty swing cuts through the bodies of 3 goblins all at once!! The rest are victims of Strider’s arrows. I have to go. (begins packing up his stuff)
KEITH: Wait! Is Pike here?
MATT: Oh yeah. He’s tied up in the corner. He looks dead.
CHRIS: I rush over to him.
MATT: (still packing up his stuff) He’s alive-barely, but that won’t last long. You remember the code words you have to say in order to get him to talk to you?
CHRIS: Yeah. “Pike,” I say…”Do you have any coal?”
MATT: He looks at you and with his dying breath says…”You…must…go…East…auaaaaughhhhh…”
(The players look at each other without comprehension.)
CHRIS: Could we have some more coal, please?
MATT: We’ll pick up here next time. I have to run. (Exit MATT)
ZACH: Well, that sucks. Wanna play darts?
KEITH: Don’t worry guys. I anticipated Matt’s desertion, and I invited some other friends: RILEY, OWEN, and CHUCK. They should be here soon…
---TO BE CONTINUED---
posted by The Angry Piper at 12:40 PM
13 Comments:
My God. It's like you tape recorded the whole thing! The only missing things were:
1. Matt having some character throw vials of acid or snapping an enemy's arm over his leg.
2. Dreck. Lots and lots of dreck, chummer.
3. Spiderman and Batman in an insult contest.
4. A Katana of Sharpness.
5. Someone's character dying and being hastily resurected by some god or NPC.
6. Matt biting his arm or picking his nose.
7. Zack sensing great evil.
8. Someone throwing a crybaby fit.
9. Keith saying, "No. Fuck you. I bought this. Get your own." and then nervously pulling some snack close to his bosom.
10. The Greg Brady Machine.
Wait until you see part two.
Hmm, I am interested to see if you have as good a memory for your experiences with Riley and I?
Though, in truth the only game I recall playing with the D-Bros and Zack was TORG. And the most memorable part of that game was the car ride afterwards, where Chris D imitated Arnold Schwarzenegger singing Pink Floyd's "Have a Cigar"
"Da da...Da da...guitar solo."
OK, so it's a mishmash of various rpg experiences in my life. But we can all relate.
Hey I’m all for re-envisioning old plots. After all, that kind of thing worked out pretty well for Battlestar Galactica!
I'm currently searching for an instrumental version of Have A Cigar for just those purposes. That's just weird! I was literally working on finding one today!
You called me for THAT?
*sigh*
You are humorless, Betty.
Zach cracking his head,your kicks in 2 second,Chris correcting Matts grammar...mad flashbacks!
SHIIITE . . . I smell a fucking webcomic. C'mon bitch, I'll host the fucker.
Oh and not to blow the anonimity here, but when did I ever have a girlfriend? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
As far as webcomics go...not that we wouldn't have years worth of material, but it's kinda similar to Knights of the Dinner Table and Dork Tower. We'd get sued. RPG'ers are subtle and quick to anger. There would be blood.
That, my friend, was truly funny. Kudos on bringing all that back for a good laugh. How we ate all those Doritos and drank all that Coke without chemically altering our own DNA, I have no idea.
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