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Thank you for calling Keith's relationship hotline. Keith would monitor the call, but most likely he doesn't care enough to do so since he only cares about himself. If you are a current, soon-to-be ex-, or ex-girlfriend of Keith's and wish to lodge a complaint, or if you are unfortunate enough to be interested in becoming the first and making your way through all three of these stages in the most emotionally painful way possible, please feel free to use our touchtone menu:
If you wish to complain about Keith in any way, please press 1 now.
If you wish to congratulate, praise or otherwise flatter Keith, press 2 now.
1
You have indicated you wish to lodge a complaint. This is hardly surprising as #2 exists only to save Keith's feelings (pointless, really, since he doesn't have any). Please select from the following menu. For your convenience, these are listed from most common to least common complaints:
If you wish to complain that Keith doesn't see you enough and/or spend enough time with you because he's reading, writing, playing and/or listening to bagpipes, or just engaging in "alone time," please press 1 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith is somewhat reclusive and jealously guards his personal space and is not comfortable entertaining guests (including you) at his home, please press 2 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith is incapable of even the most basic form of love and is emotionally dead inside, please press 3 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith seems to call you more out of a sense of obligation rather than a genuine desire to hear your voice and make needless small-talk for as long as you wish in order to feel validated as a person, please press 4 now.
If you wish to complain that you have a better chance of digging a hole to China with a plastic spork than getting Keith to open up and reveal his true self to you, please press 5 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith doesn't want to be responsible for anyone or anything but himself and is incapable of looking at your future relationship with any kind of permanency, please press 6 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith will never marry, live with, or sire children with you because he loves his solitude far too much and will no doubt die alone amidst thousands of old books, most likely wearing a moth-eaten sweater and a kilt, only to be discovered due to the foul stench that escapes his putrifying body, please press 7 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith has far too many female friends, some of whom he's had a "history" with, and that he should no longer be friends with them because they make you insanely jealous, regardless if the "history" is only in your mind and he's known the friends for 20 years and has only known you for 2 hours, please press 8 now.
For all other complaints, including any combination of the above, or if you are so angry with Keith that you either don't know where to begin or couldn't possibly choose from so narrow a list of reasons why, please press pound now.
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You have indicated you have a complaint or complaints not specifically covered above. Rest assured you are not alone, and that Keith has heard many variations on the above complaints from many different sources. It is due to the high volume of complaints that this line was established. Please do not think your call will be ignored.
Keith is always challenged and refreshed by suggestions on how he can be a better person and live a more fulfilling life. Thank you for your call, and please feel free to leave a comment.
DISCLAIMER: This post was not prompted by ONE person exclusively, but rather based on a pattern and history of complaints dating 1986 - present.
If you wish to complain about Keith in any way, please press 1 now.
If you wish to congratulate, praise or otherwise flatter Keith, press 2 now.
1
You have indicated you wish to lodge a complaint. This is hardly surprising as #2 exists only to save Keith's feelings (pointless, really, since he doesn't have any). Please select from the following menu. For your convenience, these are listed from most common to least common complaints:
If you wish to complain that Keith doesn't see you enough and/or spend enough time with you because he's reading, writing, playing and/or listening to bagpipes, or just engaging in "alone time," please press 1 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith is somewhat reclusive and jealously guards his personal space and is not comfortable entertaining guests (including you) at his home, please press 2 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith is incapable of even the most basic form of love and is emotionally dead inside, please press 3 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith seems to call you more out of a sense of obligation rather than a genuine desire to hear your voice and make needless small-talk for as long as you wish in order to feel validated as a person, please press 4 now.
If you wish to complain that you have a better chance of digging a hole to China with a plastic spork than getting Keith to open up and reveal his true self to you, please press 5 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith doesn't want to be responsible for anyone or anything but himself and is incapable of looking at your future relationship with any kind of permanency, please press 6 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith will never marry, live with, or sire children with you because he loves his solitude far too much and will no doubt die alone amidst thousands of old books, most likely wearing a moth-eaten sweater and a kilt, only to be discovered due to the foul stench that escapes his putrifying body, please press 7 now.
If you wish to complain that Keith has far too many female friends, some of whom he's had a "history" with, and that he should no longer be friends with them because they make you insanely jealous, regardless if the "history" is only in your mind and he's known the friends for 20 years and has only known you for 2 hours, please press 8 now.
For all other complaints, including any combination of the above, or if you are so angry with Keith that you either don't know where to begin or couldn't possibly choose from so narrow a list of reasons why, please press pound now.
#
You have indicated you have a complaint or complaints not specifically covered above. Rest assured you are not alone, and that Keith has heard many variations on the above complaints from many different sources. It is due to the high volume of complaints that this line was established. Please do not think your call will be ignored.
Keith is always challenged and refreshed by suggestions on how he can be a better person and live a more fulfilling life. Thank you for your call, and please feel free to leave a comment.
DISCLAIMER: This post was not prompted by ONE person exclusively, but rather based on a pattern and history of complaints dating 1986 - present.
posted by The Angry Piper at 10:50 PM
4 Comments:
I can hear the circus music now . . ..
"If you found this post funny, press 1, followed by the pound sign.
If this post mad you feel sorry for Keith, press 2, followed by the pound sign.
Do you ever get the feeling your being... followed by the pound sign?"
# # #### ## #################################################################################################################
"Please stay on the line. Someone is on the way to your home to remove your frontal lobe. Estimated wait time is... forty... two... minutes."
*strings instrumental of "There's a Summer Place"*
"Please stay on the line. You are very patient. Good boy!"
*strings instrumental of "There's a Summer Place"*
"Everyone talks behind your back"
*strings instrumental of "There's a Summer Place"*
Dr. Murk grunts and hangs up.
Well Keith, at least you know I'm always on your side. I understand you.
Unfortunately I am not female, nor are either of us gay. So you'll just have to be satisfied with a platonic partner who understand you.
You know what you need? You need to commiserate about this whilst drinking beer and eating food freshly grilled on a charcoal grill, in Watertown.
Hell I even have a CD of bagpipe music you can listen to.
See? I got everything you need… except for a vagina. But I hear you can order those through certain websites off of the intarnet…
But you probably knew that already…
I’ve said too much again, haven’t I?
Just forget those last couple of sentences.
Ok, I could not help but laugh in a uncontrollable way when I read this post. I think before your next long term relationship you should bullet point all of these in document form and make them sign it as a disclaimer.
Love ya.. dont change, your awesome. Oh maybe I should not say that.. I dont want anyone to hate me for it more then they already do! What do I care, they already do.
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