Revelations

In an attempt to placate my legions of fans who want to know more about The Angry Piper, here are some statements about me you may find interesting. They all have two things in common: they're all 100% true, and you'll likely want to learn the story behind each one. But you probably won't. This is blatant titillation. And since I'm fresh out of blog ideas, this is what you get.

Here they are, in no particular order:

In Walt Disney World, I sat on one of my testicles so hard I couldn't walk for almost 45 minutes. No, I don't have huge balls. One just got in the way. It happens.

My brother and I had a pint of Guinness with PJ Harvey's guitarist. Well, we had the Guinness. He had a shot of some cheap whiskey.

I have never met anyone famous. I turned down a chance to meet Sting, and despite being a rabid Sting and Police fan, I don't regret it.

I was an altar boy.

I did 25% of the work sculpting a 4-foot tall penis made of snow.

I made the worst mistake of my life (thus far) about two years ago.

I used to drive a purple Hyundai Accent that wound up under a very heavy tree. It was parked at the time, and had I been in it, I would certainly be dead. Missed me by 45 minutes.

Once, at a teen dance, I lifted a kid onto his tiptoes by his neck and would have likely choked him to death for insulting a friend of mine. The friend lives in Texas now, and she periodically reminds me of this incident. The kid was a punk, and he was breathing when I left him. I've mellowed considerably since then.

I barely know the wives of three of my best male friends. Contrary to popular belief, I do not really lust after any of them.

I once dated a woman who told me the following things on the first date: she was a dominatrix, she was a recovering cocaine addict with 3 weeks of sobriety, and her ex-husband was an active transvestite. First date. No kidding. There was no second date.

I once dated a woman who told me the following things on the first date: that she still lived with her son's father, but that their relationship was over. This was proven by the fact that although she slept naked in the same bed with this man, he never even looked her way. There was no second date.

The above two dates were not with the same woman. They occurred roughly two weeks apart.

I have written over fifty pages of a novel (and dozens of short stories) that I will likely never publish.

I often joke about not wearing anything under my kilt. I often don't.

I have three female friends I miss terribly. One lives in Texas. We talk all the time. One lives in Staten Island, NY. We speak irregularly at best. The last lives in the state I live in. We don't talk anymore, and it's my fault.

I play three musical instruments, but I only play one well.

In the distant past I pointedly ignored several really hot women interested in making my acquaintance because a musician I enjoy was playing at the time. I was a horrible wingman.

I recently discovered the fate of one of my high school girlfriends. She's married and living in San Francisco, home of Amy Tan, The Angry Veteran and Tel-in-the-City. AV: say hi if you see JA. Since I have more than one ex-girlfriend with the initials JA, I'm referring to the one who performed in Godspell with you and Malach.

The scariest movie I ever saw was (and still is) Jaws.

In our college library during finals week, Dr. Mantodea and I made each other laugh so hard we were literally paralyzed and almost suffocated while our friends looked on in bewilderment. Not everyone has our sense of humor.

I once watched The Angry Veteran climb atop one of his neighbor's cars and urinate in the open sun roof. He did not like that neighbor. I suppose I should also say this was a long time ago, when we were both much younger.

I was stopped, along with Dr. Murk, by a police officer for having "tires too big for my vehicle."

I once mistook a huge dildo for a bookend. Yes, it was that big. It was in Malach's glove compartment. (Just kidding about that last part.)

I once asked a very naked stripper how heavy her earrings were. As if I (or she) cared.

Dr. Jen has recently informed me I'm the fifth smartest man she's ever met. We met when we were in 6th grade. She must have met four guys smarter than me since then.

I have been to five different countries, not counting my own, and none of them are Canada or Mexico.

And finally, for Alanis Morissette fans (and Malach), Here's something ironic:

When we were both in college, I loudly berated Malach because he was drunk.

The irony: look at me now.