Scots Wha’ Ha’e!

Despite the persistent and stubborn belief of Dr. Murk and Malach, The Angry Piper is NOT Scottish; I just sometimes look the part by wearing the plaid and playing the pipes. However, if I was Scottish, then today I’d be celebrating Robert Burns Day in Scotland. Robert Burns was a poet, responsible for many a powerful song and poem (like Address to a Haggis-no kidding) reminding Scots they were Scots; not British, and certainly nae English! In the US, he’s most remembered for penning the words to Auld Lang Syne, better known as the New Year’s song that no one knows the words to (most people “sing” it in one continuous, drunken slur as the ball drops. It’s also at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life.)

Anyway, Robbie Burns Day is a day of national pride in Scotland. It’s also an excuse to get drunk while pretending to venerate a historical figure (not like we Irish have any days like that). So, to my large Scottish friend, and for all Scots braw and wee, take pride in your lineage and have a Belhaven Ale or a can of Irn Bru in celebration!

I was gonna stop there, but since I’m online I might as well make the best of my time. Long ago, before his um…unfortunate accident, the Mantis told me of a show I should have been watching. Soon afterwards it went off the air before I had a chance to watch it, and it has only recently become available on DVD. The show I am speaking of is called American Gothic, and I am now about 10 episodes into the 22 that were made before the show met its untimely demise, due to typical network stupidity.

Normally I’d rather rub shit in my hair than tell the Mantis he was right about anything, partly because I’d hate to make his head any bigger than it already is (look at his picture, for Chrissakes!), but also out of pure spite. After watching the show, however, I must confess that Dr. Mantodea was right. This show was great. I always thought Gary Cole would forever be Lumbergh from Office Space to me, but I was wrong. Although they’re two very different characters, Lumbergh has got nothing on Sheriff Lucas Buck (“That’s Buck, with a B”). How this show got ignored is beyond me, especially as it came out in 1995, shortly after the Twin Peaks phenomenon. It’s another example of a great show (like Firefly) that got no support from its parent network.

Rent it. Netflix it. Buy it. Just see it.

And if you have seen it, let’s talk about it. That Sheriff Buck is one evil son-of-a-bitch.

I have to go. “Someone’s at the door…”

Things I Learned Since I Turned 18.

At age 18, I learned that girlfriends and best friends can be fleeting. Especially when they have sex with each other behind your back and then lie about it to your face.

At age 19, I learned that as a male, my sexual peak was the year before. So much for that.

At 20, I learned that some divorces are good things.

At age 21, I discovered what it felt like to be lusted after by a woman 17 years my senior.

A l’age vingt-deux, j’ai m’apprendu j’adore les grandes bonnes femmes. I think I may have forgotten my French since then.

At 23, I learned what it felt like to almost lose a brother.

At age 24, I learned not to trust academic advisors.

At age 25, I realized that if I was lucky and lived to age 75, I was 33% dead.

At 26, I learned it’s not smart to have a relationship with your best friend’s sister. It’s also weird.

At 27, I learned there’s a lot of porn on the Internet. And it’s free.

At age 28, I learned it’s never a good idea to ask a friend you haven’t seen in a few years how his wife is doing. Especially when the answer is: “I wouldn’t know. After the death of our infant son, she left me and our daughter for another woman. She can burn in hell.” Unless, of course, you like awkward silences. Then ask away.

At age 29, I learned it’s never worth it to work for an asshole who is much dumber than you.

At age 30 I learned that just because you play the saxophone doesn’t mean you can play the bagpipes. Despite the fact they both have reeds and are woodwinds, they’re almost nothing alike. They are alike in that they’re both dumb things to buy off the Internet without playing them (and seeing if they work) first.

At 31, I didn’t learn a goddamn thing. I also forgot what I learned when I was 29.

At age 32, I had a bitch of a headache, so I drilled a hole in my skull. The Angry Piper sprang forth, fully-formed, and I learned that contrary to popular wisdom, some people do like a smartass.

At age 33, I came across this bit of wisdom from author Allegra Goodman: “If you want to write, or really create anything, you have to risk falling on your face. How much easier to sit back and snipe at the efforts of yourself and others. How sophisticated you can become, your own contribution unimpeachable, because it doesn’t exist.”

Or, in the words of Pat Walsh, “The number one reason why your book will never be published is that you haven’t written it.”

At age 33, consider the kick in the pants received.

Don't Panic!

Thanks to Douglas Adams for the title inspiration.

Due to circumstances beyond the Angry Piper's control, this blog is on temporary hiatus while it gets its shit together re: the shitty Internet access of its owner. Dial-up sucks ass, folks.

I stress the word temporary. I'll have real Internet access again soon enough, so rest assured all the hate and bile I've been saving up will burst forth like Old Faithful. Don't panic, all those who fret and worry over the Piper's absence (meaning you, Tel): I'll be back.

Soon.

With a new Piper's Book of the Week at Hill TV (and some Ben-Gay, if you're lucky).

The Piper on Paper

UPDATE: The new Angry Piper's Book of the Week is up at Hill-TV. Rush on over and get some book learnin'.

I love roleplaying games. They're fun. My thoughts on gaming-one of my favorite hobbies- can be found here, and you should read them to rid yourself of any prejudices you may have towards gamers in general (Tel, I'm looking in your direction). While we are all geeks to some extent, they say you have reached the pinnacle of gaming geekdom if you create a character based on yourself. (Personally, I believe you have surpassed the pinnacle of geekdom and are shooting for the geek stars if you do any form of live-action roleplaying(LARP-ing), particularly with costumes.)

Anyway, consider the pinnacle reached. All you gamers out there (and all you NGs who just want a chuckle) here are the stats for....

THE ANGRY PIPER

Strength: 11
Dexterity: 11
Constitution: 14
Intelligence: 16
Wisdom: 12
Charisma: 5

For all you non-gamers, typical scores range from 3-18, with a 10 being average. As you can see, the AP is above average in almost every area, with the exception of Charisma. This is due to his general hatred of humanity, angry outlook, and the fact that he smells of bagpipe wax, which stinks to high heaven. The high Constitution may surprise some people who know the AP personally, as it is known that he suffers from many colds, and is, in fact, nursing one now; but I have taken into consideration the vast quantities of alcohol the AP can ingest without ill effect to arrive at this number. The comparitively lower Strength and Dexterity scores are due to the AP's inactivity and slothfulness (they used to be somewhat higher), and his Wisdom remains at 12, despite the fact he's 33 years old, because the Piper fails to learn from even his most obvious mistakes. The Angry Piper's highest Attribute is Intelligence, but it should be noted that his Intelligence score is halved for anything requiring math.

Skills follow. Higher is better. Some of these skills (the Angry Piper's skill at bagpiping, for example) may be somewhat of an overstatement, but that's what roleplaying is all about.

Alienate Close Friend/Relative: 14
Appraise (Comic Books): 16
Brood: 16
Craft: Writing: 15
Fume: 16
Heap Abuse/Vituperation: 14
Insult: 14
Intimidate: 12
Knowledge: Literature: 15
Performance: Bagpipes: 16
Performance: Saxophone: 15
Pretentious Snobbery: 15
Research: 16
Repair (Bagpipes): 10
Seclude Self: 18
Sulk: 15
Swear: 15
Unintentional Insult: 16

The Angry Piper Alienates Friends and Relatives by not returning phone calls, forgetting important occasions (such as birthdays) and discouraging drop-by visits, but it is important to note he can also do this through use of his Unintentional Insult and Seclude Self skills. (Positive social skills are not the Piper's forte-watch him eat sunflower seeds someday and you'll understand why.) Noticeably absent are any fighting skills, which may come as a shock to those who remember the Angry Piper's bloody past. He walks the path of peace now, but it has made him no less angry. If provoked(especially by ignorant use of cell phones), he could easily revert to the whirling pinwheel of violence he once was. Although he retains his saxophone knowledge, it would take a great deal to persuade him to pick up the horn again (flashing him a nice set of cans or a case of Guinness might do the trick; probably not, but you're encouraged to try either one). Notice the Piper's skill at Unintentionally Insulting someone is higher than his skill at Deliberate Insults; this is because he often is most clever when he isn't trying to be. Also, while Brooding and Sulking are similar, they are not the same; any aquaintance of the Angry Piper who has experienced both can surely confirm this. The Piper is most proud of his lowest skill, Bagpipe Repair, as anyone who has ever tried to fix a bagpipe knows a 10 is a pretty respectable skill in that arena (damn pipes).

Physical Description: The Angry Piper stands 6 feet, 1 inch tall, when he does not slouch (which is usually only in response to people who question his height). Polite people would call the Angry Piper's nose "aquiline", but most people, including the AP himself, are impolite; to them his nose is simply big. Despite this, he's a ruggedly handsome specimen of masculinity that can rarely leave his home for fear of attracting hordes of screaming girls, much like the Beatles' appearance on the Ed Sullivan show. When appearing in his official capacity he dresses in one of his kilts, but most of his days are spent in jeans and a sweatshirt or T shirt of some kind (likely black). Recently he has discovered he has a very deep voice. He has little patience with people in general, and often comunicates in the fewest words possible so as to end any conversation before it really begins, unless it happens to be about bagpiping or literature. Those wishing to converse with the Piper regarding other matters (why one would wish to do so is frankly baffling) are advised to ply him with liquor, specifically Guinness, or risk being ignored and/or rudely dismissed. Those wishing to be on the receiving end of his Heap Abuse, Swear, Insult and Pretentious Snobbery skills need only offer to buy him a Budweiser or bottle of Arbor Mist.

Well, there I am. Have fun killing me in your games. Perhaps in a year I'll update my character with all the experience points I'll earn over the next year.

Nah. That would be geeky.