I Hate Beards.
The Angry Piper loathes facial hair, although I’m far too lazy to shave everyday. Not only do I despise my own facial hair, I pretty much hate everyone with a beard, like Bob Seger and Barry Gibb. So I own two razors, a Gillette Mach 3 and a Schick Quattro. They both do an adequate job of keeping my face smooth, but a pack of replacement blades for either one costs more than my monthly rent. So I have decided to take action.
Behold my soon-to-be new toy. I intend to shave with it from now on. Dangerous? Maybe. I expect to lose a significant amount of flesh during my learning period, but I’m unconcerned, since the loss of a facial feature or two can only serve to improve my looks. Expensive? Sure. Straight razors aren’t cheap, but with proper maintenance they last forever. No more shelling out 20-30 bucks every couple of months for replacement blades. Besides, it’s manly and cool.
Behold my soon-to-be new toy. I intend to shave with it from now on. Dangerous? Maybe. I expect to lose a significant amount of flesh during my learning period, but I’m unconcerned, since the loss of a facial feature or two can only serve to improve my looks. Expensive? Sure. Straight razors aren’t cheap, but with proper maintenance they last forever. No more shelling out 20-30 bucks every couple of months for replacement blades. Besides, it’s manly and cool.
I think it may actually be illegal to own one of these in my home state without a valid barber's license, but I've got connections. Thanks to my expatriate friend Eve for hooking me up. And for the record, that's really the actual razor I'm purchasing: a Dovo Solingen ebony 5/8" straight razor all the way from Germany.
Of course, The Angry Piper needs help with manliness about as much as Dr. Murk needs help attracting smokin’ hot Asian chicks. I’m no Percy Dovetonsils, for Christ’s sake. I wear a kilt, which is the single most manly thing a guy can do other than call Chuck Norris a pussy to his face. Nothing tells the honeys it’s mating season like a nice, close shave (or a wicked cool facial scar), and just about the only thing cooler than shaving with a straight razor is smashing a bottle against a table edge and shaving with that.
The few of you who actually know what I look like may want to fix my visage firmly in mind, as the topography of my face might change once I start waving this thing around.
I should have it in a couple of weeks. Until then, I bought some cheapo triple-blade disposables for 3 bucks at Wal-Mart. Whatever I don't use I'll take with me to Ireland, because something tells me it may be a bad idea to pack a straight razor in my luggage.
posted by The Angry Piper at 7:03 PM
8 Comments:
Hey, maybe it will remove about 5 lbs' of flesh from that huge ass honking jew nose of yours, that would be an improvement!
How wonderfully anti-Semitic of you, you ignorant douchebag.
Straight Razors is good for Killing Uptown Fools, mutha fucka!
Its on its way! Please try not to slit your throat seeing everyone now knows I hooked you up. Dont want to be on trial for your death anytime soon.
Braun.
Electric.
Razor.
Piper, I didn't like using the disposable blades either. But get yourself a good Braun electric and use it for two weeks. By that time, you'll get a good close shave.
And, you only need to replace the inner blade every two years.
On the other hand, my barber here is the only one in the city that finishes his cut with warm lather and a straight edge. Very nice.
But man, I wouldn't try to do it. Good luck scarface.
Tel: don't worry, Malach really isn't an Anti-Semite. But he is an ignorant douchebag.
AV: You wouldn't try it because you lack the fucking cojones, meng. Braun electric razor. What are you, a fairy?
As a matter of fact, yes, I am the Braun Electric Razor fairy. If you are good, and haven't bled yourself out to death, you may get a new Braun under your pillow the next time you place one of your beer rotted teeth under there.
Please!
Tell me you dont hate Pampero Firpo!
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